My wife and I worried about what we were doing with the kids as much as you do. But now we've raised six kids and eleven grandchildren, and ministered to dozens more. We now know - as does anyone who has raised more than two children to adulthood - that children from the same family will grow into very different adults even though they were raised by the same parents. To me, this confirms that the growth of a human is not just about the environment they were raised in but also the overcomings they chose before coming into this life. Parenting matters, if for no other reason than to prevent abuse and molestation (the bottom-line problem on this planet). But other than that, you cannot damage them the way you think you can. We coaches used to tell our players to "play for the win not to avoid the loss". Similarly, if I did it over (heaven forbid), I would spend more time enjoying the crazy things the kids did and less time worrying about whether I was "molding" them properly. In other words, go easier on yourself.