Vicki -- Though we have some differences (see below), I think your article is of significant value. It touches on a number of important dilemmas and issues.

For instance, age gap couples are judged by people who don't understand or attempt to understand what is real in that relationship. (This is demonstrated in a number of the comments.) No one would compare this level of judgment with that which underlies racism and sexism. But it does come from the same human myopia.

I've been in an age gap relationship (19 year gap) for the last 38 years. In the early years, my wife had a number of psychological/emotional problems stemming from her history with her abusive extended family. During those years, I carried the load across the board. At that time, I had the physical strength and love to do that for her.

However, about 20 years into our marriage, my health collapsed (multiple heart attack, heart failure, stage 4 cancer, et.al.). During that time, I've been functional and am still working, but there is no question that the focus of our marriage during that period has been my health. She feels she owes me because she believes that the collapse in my health was due to the 20 years I spent working 24/7 with 14 hour days to support us and our children. (To me, the idea of debts in a marriage is ridiculous.) She has not had to become a regular caretaker yet, but we are both aware that could happen at any time.

As for the conversation which you say is the heart of your piece, we started it the day we got together, and it has never stopped. She has fear about what she will do with herself when I'm gone (which may be why I've stayed alive so long), but she has grown a lot in her preparation for my passing. I have no doubt she will handle her life just fine when I am gone.

By the way, I've also told my wife that, if she ever gets to the point where it is too much for her or the love is gone, I will release her.

The only thing I need to say, in conclusion, is that the appropriate "sources" for this subject are not in books but in the experience of people. This is a matter of the heart, not the mind. Any time humans face a prickly, personal problem, they try to make it a matter of reason. Much more comfortable. But it is not real.